Fired Over 50-Cent Thefts

A labour arbitrator has ordered the University of Saskatchewan to rehire an immigrant janitor fired for pocketing fifty-cent cleaning rags. The dismissal followed a month-long hidden camera investigation: “I cannot sleep because of my mistake and I accept that what I did was wrong.”

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Silent On Failed Exec’s Bonus

Authorities yesterday would not disclose bonus payments to Tina Namiesniowski, failed $273,000-a year former president of the Public Health Agency. Namiesniowski resigned days ahead of a now-disclosed audit that found confusion and mismanagement at the Agency responsible for pandemic preparedness: “This deeply disturbing report exposes extensive disarray and sometimes chaos.”

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Demand Answers On Vaccine

The Commons health committee last night voted 11-0 to summon two cabinet members for questioning over pandemic vaccines. Cabinet’s own forecasts show just eight percent of Canadians eligible for vaccination will be able to get a Covid shot by March 31: “I mean, vaccines are the number one issue facing the country right now.”

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Immigration Hike Is Divisive

Canadians are divided on a proposal to hike immigration quotas eighteen percent. In-house research by Minister Marco Mendicino’s department found a large number of Canadians, including immigrants, opposed the increase: “Prioritize Canadian workers until Canada’s economy recovers.”

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Deloitte Never Disqualified

The Department of Public Works approved millions in contracts to Deloitte under a Government-Wide Integrity Regime though company subsidiaries have been fined for misconduct. SNC-Lavalin Group Inc. was also exempted from the federal blacklist: “We are aware of information relating to violations.”

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Says Parliament Is Vindictive

Senator Lynn Beyak (Ont.) yesterday resigned with a parting shot at Parliament as vindictive. Beyak, 71, had four years remaining in her term after twice being censured for publishing constituent letters deemed offensive: “They have constantly attacked me in Ottawa.”

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Will Ban Travelers’ Cheques

Cabinet is expected to introduce a bill disqualifying quarantined cross-border travelers from claiming $1,000 federal sickness benefits unless they had to leave the country for medical treatment. One Senator said Parliament must address “hypocrisy issues” involving legislators who took sun holidays: “This legislation is not designed to hold accountable those in places of power and privilege.”

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“Extreme Heat” No Problem

Canadians are up to three times more likely to freeze to death or perish in a snowmobile accident than die of heat stroke, says new federal data. Figures contradicted climate change claims by then-Environment Minister Catherine McKenna that extreme heat was “literally killing people.”

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Only 41% In Rush For Shots

Fewer than half of Canadians, 41 percent, said they would rush to get a Covid-19 vaccine the minute it’s available, says internal Public Health Agency research. The Agency hired Statistics Canada for more study of actual vaccine take-up: “Many are still hesitant.”

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First Random Dope Test OK’d

First federal regulations permitting random workplace marijuana tests have been approved by the Canadian Nuclear Safety Commission. The Supreme Court eight years ago ruled random jobsite drug tests could only be used with cause or consent: “We are proud to have been the first.”

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‘Confused’ And Mismanaged

A damning pandemic audit, the first to date, cites confusion and mismanagement at the $675 million-a year Public Health Agency, including “limited public health expertise.” Agency President Tina Namiesniowski abruptly resigned twelve days before the internal audit was completed: “I need to take a break.”

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Quickest GG Exit Since 1872

Julie Payette yesterday abruptly resigned as Governor General amid allegations of workplace harassment. Payette’s tenure was the shortest of any commander in chief in 149 years: “Tensions have arisen at Rideau Hall over the past few months.”

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China Inspections Just ‘Paper’

An internal memo contradicts federal claims inspectors checked every shipment of medical supplies from China to spot shoddy goods. In some cases inspections were a “paper exercise,” though MPs on the Commons health committee were assured of vigorous scrutiny: “There is a quality check there.”

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