Warns Santa On Marijuana

Santa must not fly under the influence of narcotics, Transport Minister Marc Garneau’s office yesterday wrote in a statement. The news release followed a failed gag last Christmas by a Privy Council think tank that quipped Santa was a climate change refugee forced to flee the North Pole.

Garneau’s office in a statement Newly-Licensed Mrs. Claus To Join Santa As Co-Pilot For This Year’s Flight wrote: “While revising this year’s pre-flight checklist with Mrs. Claus, Minister Garneau stressed how important it is for her, Santa and the reindeer to get adequate rest and to avoid consuming alcohol or drugs to ensure that everyone is fit to fly on this very important mission.”

Cabinet on October 17 made Canada only the second country after Uruguay to legalize recreational marijuana under Bill C-45 An Act Respecting Cannabis. A companion Bill C-46 An Act To Amend The Criminal Code permits random roadside testing by police.

Garneau’s statement also quipped Santa would replace reindeer with remote-controlled drones for future Christmas deliveries. “Transport Canada inspectors traveled to the North Pole to inspect Santa’s sleigh and its safety systems,” wrote staff: “While at the North Pole, the inspectors also had the opportunity to visit Santa’s recently completed drone testing facility where they observed the elves piloting gift delivery drones, a new technology that Santa is exploring for future Christmas deliveries.”

“You Lie To Kids About Santa”

The Santa gag followed a December 19, 2017 statement by the Privy Council agency Policy Horizons Canada headlined Santa Is Moving To The South Pole. “Thanks to rising global temperatures, rapidly melting Arctic ice and human operations in the North, Santa Claus has signed an agreement with the international community to relocate his village next yar to operate in an exclusive zone in the South Pole,” wrote staff.

“Santa’s relocation agreement marks the first time the international community agrees on a common legal definition of climate change that includes refugees as corporations, as well as individuals,” the notice said. “This deal is expected to lead to the deployment of a global climate change refugee visa system that in the near future could help to more easily relocate individuals and corporations facing the impacts of climate change.”

Access To Information records indicate staff thought the Santa joke would “make us cool”, but instead prompted a flood of protests from offended parents. “Seriously, f—k off,” wrote one complainant. “What a thoughtless thing to do.”

Others described Santa quips by Government of Canada employees as “idiotic”, “disgraceful” and “insulting”: “This is pathetic: shame on you,” read one email to Policy Horizons. Others wrote: “You lie to kids about Santa”; “If this is satire, it is an epic fail”; “I can’t believe you would post a falsehood”; “Wow, just when I thought government could not get any worse.”

By Staff

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